Well, here I am again, fighting the dawn.
I have given up on the prospect of sleep, at least until I sort out the million and one thoughts that are racing through my head.
I have spent so much of my life in a state of worry that I don’t think I know how to function any other way. I worry myself into a frenzy whenever my mind has a chance to wander. It’s like I’m fighting against my own insecurities and they are winning. Refusing to allow myself to relish in the moment and appreciate the many blessings in my life.
I am taking away my own joy. Talk about self destructive right?!
So what do I do to change this?
I have spent the last six months on an emotional journey of self discovery. I know I have come a long way, but there is obviously a lot more healing that needs to take place. The fact that I can identify what I am doing as I am doing it is a start I guess…
I realized today that although I have forgiven those in my past who have caused me pain, I have yet to forgive myself for the mistakes I made in the process. I still punish myself with my own words of unworthiness and inferiority. This needs to stop.
I have made mistakes and done things that I am not necessarily proud of, but it is time to move past this. It is time to allow myself to be happy without the worry that something will go wrong. And in the event that things do not turn out in my favor, I need to internalize the fact that the actions of others are not the reflection of me.
There are some things that are just not in my power to change.
What is in my power however is the ability to do the best that I can in any given situation. I am not perfect. I am humanly flawed. Cursed by the depth of my passions.
I am vulnerable, but I am strong.
In the midst of this constant need for worry, I must remind myself to find contentment in the notion that everything will be as it should be in the end.