Humanly Flawed

Well, here I am again, fighting the dawn.

I have given up on the prospect of sleep, at least until I sort out the million and one thoughts that are racing through my head.

I have spent so much of my life in a state of worry that I don’t think I know how to function any other way. I worry myself into a frenzy whenever my mind has a chance to wander.  It’s like I’m fighting against my own insecurities and they are winning. Refusing to allow myself to relish in the moment and appreciate the many blessings in my life.

I am taking away my own joy. Talk about self destructive right?!

So what do I do to change this?

I have spent the last six months on an emotional journey of self discovery. I know I have come a long way, but there is obviously a lot more healing that needs to take place. The fact that I can identify what I am doing as I am doing it is a start I guess…

I realized today that although I have forgiven those in my past who have caused me pain, I have yet to forgive myself for the mistakes I made in the process. I still punish myself with my own words of unworthiness and inferiority. This needs to stop.

I have made mistakes and done things that I am not necessarily proud of, but it is time to move past this. It is time to allow myself to be happy without the worry that something will go wrong. And in the event that things do not turn out in my favor, I need to internalize the fact that the actions of others are not the reflection of me.

There are some things that are just not in my power to change.

What is in my power however is the ability to do the best that I can in any given situation. I am not perfect. I am humanly flawed. Cursed by the depth of my passions.

I am vulnerable, but I am strong.

In the midst of this constant need for worry, I must remind myself to find contentment in the notion that everything will be as it should be in the end.

Finding Bliss

“Imagine living your life without the fear of being judged by others. You no longer rule your behavior according to what others may think about you. You are no longer responsible for anyone’s opinion…

Imagine living without fear of loving and not being loved. You are no longer afraid to be rejected, and you don’t have the need to be accepted. You can say “I love you” with no shame or justification. You can walk in the world with your heart completely open, and not be afraid to be hurt. ” – Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

Wouldn’t this be wonderful? I don’t know about you, but the very idea of opening up to someone is terrifying to me. I have been hurt so many times that it is hard not to allow my actions to be ruled by fear. Especially the fear of rejection. I am the type of person that when I love someone, I am all in. When I give another person my heart, I give them all of my heart. I believe very strongly that tomorrow is not promised to anyone, so it is very important to me that those close to me know how much I value them.

Sounds like I’m on the right track doesn’t it? You would think so, but sadly this kindness has been taken advantage of many times before. As a result, the words “I love you” don’t come so easily to me anymore. Out of fear of rejection, I hold back my feelings, bite my tongue and stay in the safe zone.  This may prevent me from being hurt, but it will also prevent me from being free.

Ruiz tells us that it is possible to overcome this fear and live in a state of bliss. A state that he calls “the dream of heaven”.

And how do we find this state of bliss?

By changing the agreements we have unconsciously made with ourselves that we are supposed to be or not be a certain way. By letting go of our insecurities and loving ourselves for all that we are.  Only then can we be free from our hindering emotions that lead us in the wrong direction.

“The only reason you are happy is because you chose to be happy. Happiness is a choice, and so is suffering. Maybe we cannot escape from the destiny of the human, but we have a  choice: to suffer, or to love and be happy.” – Don Miguel Ruiz

Catching My Breath

Well life sure knocked me on my ass this weekend. I thought I had it all figured out. I had a plan for my future and everything was slowly falling in to place. Sure, there were certain aspects of my life that were missing, but I had come to terms with the possibility that it may always be this way.

And, without notice, everything changed.

It happened so fast, I can barely catch my breath. My head is swimming, my heart is pounding and my body still trembles as I replay the best moments of my life over an over in my mind.

I built these walls around my heart for fear of letting anyone in again and just when I thought the fortress was secure, he walked in. Call it fate or divine intervention, whatever it is, I am completely terrified of it. I swore to myself I would never again let someone change my plans. I fought the idea of falling for days, but then it occurred to me, what if he is the plan? Do I stick to my convictions and risk missing out on something wonderful? Or do I take a leap of faith and risk being hurt?

No one can foresee the future, so sometimes you just have to jump in head first and hope you can remember how to swim.

Coming Up For Air

I paused for a moment of reflection today to chart my progress on my path to success.  The best description of my current state of mind is like coming up for air after a long hard struggle with the ocean current. The stagnant place I once called reality is a slowly fading memory. Six months ago, I was barely breathing. Drowning in feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness, I was emotionally, physically and spiritually drained. I was heartbroken, uninspired and defeated. I have been battling with the undertow for years and I have finally beat the tide and pulled myself ashore!

My past still lingers in the shadows, the constant reminder of the person I was and shall never be again. In less than a year, I have shaken a love I never thought I could and found a love for myself that I never thought was possible. I took a leap of faith by leaving the familiar and much to my surprise it has all worked out. I forced myself to deal with the issues that have plagued my existence for as long as I can remember. As difficult as it has been to step up and own my mistakes, my insecurities and my faults, this breath of fresh air makes it all worth it.

May you all find your breath of fresh air!

From a Different Perspective…

“Everything in existence is a manifestation of the one living being we call God. Everything is God…human perception in merely light perceiving light…matter is a mirror- everything is a mirror that reflects light and creates images of that light – and the world of illusion, the Dream, is just like smoke which doesn’t allow us to see what we really are.” – Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

Now that is something to ponder isn’t it? We would therefore be a part of everything!  Life as we know it would merely be the manifestation of the stars and the light between the stars converging.

I just started reading this book and I am loving it. Ruiz pushes you out of your religious comfort zone and explores the revelation that this reality we are experiencing is what he calls, “The Dream of humans”. This dream which creates a wall of fog which prevents us from viewing our true selves.

“The real us is pure love, pure light” – Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

Reviews – When You’re Self Publishing

Buy the Book

One of the more difficult aspects of self publishing is collecting book reviews. Whether on Amazon.com or Goodreads, a posted review helps get the word out about your book. You can’t count on friends and family members to write up their view points even though you ask often, they nod their heads and then nothing happens. Statistics show as little as one in ten people will take the time to post a review of a book they’ve read. Why go through the time and expense of getting reviews? It can mean much in getting the attention of new readers.

The costs of packaging and sending out review copies should be considered as part of your marketing budget. Advance review copies (ARC) can either be a short-run of books printed, or part of your larger run. Understand books sent to review services will not be returned. One thing to keep in…

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Yellow Shovels

I have been throwing around the idea of working on some short fiction lately. My first attempt was a zombie fiction piece I wrote the other day on Random Thoughts from Insane Roots and it was pretty fun 🙂

Today, I decided to go through some of my old writing to look for inspiration and I find this cute little gem.

Yellow Shovels

My fondest memory shall always be of simple yellow shovels.

The first of many moments I shall hold within my heart.

Youngest hearts forever bound by simple plastic treasures that seem so silly now.

Barely capable of memory, there we stood.

No idea of what the future may hold or any conprehension of love.

Yet, I can not find a single day of my life that I have not loved you.

For as long as I can remember, you were held so deeply within my heart.

Image courtesy of photoexplorer at FreeDigitalPhotos.net