I have done a lot of thinking and planning since my last post. I have been dealing with some highly emotional issues over the past week or so, which I have been dialoguing in my original blog: Insane Roots.
For those of you who do not follow that blog, basically my biological mother (the subject of my book) has popped back in to my life along with several other strangers who were confused by my last name and believed that I may be their relations. As it turns out I am not related to them, which is actually a good thing because it would have shattered the small amount of truth about my biological father that I have been relying on all these years. Needless to say, it has been a bit of a whirlwind!
I can not tell you how many times I have been in the same situation that I was last week. Several years will pass without any word from my mother (mostly due to her time in prison) and then all of a sudden she will reappear to do a number on my psyche. However this time, I found myself in a much better place mentally to be able to handle the situation. I don’t know if it is because I made the decision years ago to cut ties with her or if it was the realization of how pleasant my time without her has been or maybe it was a combination of both. Either way, I am so thankful to have such a strong grasp on the situation that I was able to do what needed to be done without much indecision. As the years roll on and I become more and more in tune with who I am and what I want, I can see my confidence level begin to rise.
For many years, I have struggled with my self-worth and continued to sell myself short in regards to my abilities. I have always been my worst critic. I would cut myself down regularly and became mentally and physically broken. Getting ready in the mornings, I would remind myself of all the ways I had failed in regards to my physical appearance. I would tell myself I was fat and disgusting pretty much every time I looked in the mirror. It was a very sad existence and I realize now that in addition to the fact that none of this was true, I was setting myself up for failure.
Upon moving to Denver, I promised myself that I would do everything in my power to make a new start. I would no longer set limitations on myself or fill my mind with self-doubt and ridicule. I also decided to begin working through all the painful moments in my past instead of pretending that everything was okay and go on continuing to struggle to keep it all inside.
Over the past few months I have kept my promise and I truly feel like a completely different person. My morning routine is now filled with uplifting mantras rather than insults and I find myself reaching for dreams I didn’t even know I had. I tell myself I am beautiful, powerful and wise. I don’t obsess over the scale or the occasional blemish on my face. I am learning to embrace my true essence.
For so long I have let fear rule my life. I worried constantly about my appearance and the opinion of others. I was afraid to be confident and self-assured, because I didn’t want to appear as though I was arrogant and narcissistic. I understand now that being courageous, hopeful and bold does not mean that you are full of yourself or that you believe you are better than everyone else. It simply means that you are content with your own beliefs and that you believe in yourself against all odds.
Setting goals for yourself that seem to be unreachable does not make you presumptuous or over-confident. Instead, it makes you fearless and daring enough to reach for the stars!
The biggest push for me to gain control over these self-defeating emotions was when I sent in the final manuscript of my book. I knew I needed to get over my worry of coming across vain and over-confident if I was ever going to be successful in promoting it. Self-promotion was not something I was particularly looking forward to, but it is a necessary evil in the publishing world, so I knew I needed to do my best to embrace it.
I have a conference call with my publisher that is rapidly approaching and I am sure they will be inquiring as to what steps I have taken in regards to marketing. One of the items on the list for me to have completed was to create a fan page on Facebook (for the book). I have been putting this off for months, because of the above mentioned concerns. However, I knew that the procrastination needed to stop if I was ever going to create a successful marketing platform.
After going back and forth with myself several times, I finally mustered up the courage to create the page: Insane.Roots.A.Memoir. In two days time, I had more than 60 likes! I sent requests to everyone in my friends list and I am up to almost 80 likes as of today. The first few days, I had some mixed feelings about who responded to the request and who didn’t. I started to take it as a personal dis from anyone who didn’t respond, but then I reminded myself that it is not about that. We all have people in our lives that are more of an acquaintance than a close friend and many of them exist on our friends list, but we rarely ever interact with them. Is it really feasible to expect them to support you in everything you do? No and it should not be taken personally.
I realize that my book is not everyone’s cup of tea and that is completely fine. I am just so proud of myself for having the courage to stick my neck out and ‘go public’ as I like to say. This in itself is a very big step for me and I am not sure I would have been brave enough to take this step a few months ago. I am blessed to have the support that I do and I am beyond thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life.
Times sure are changing and I look forward to the road ahead as treacherous as it may be!
I know I have said it before, but it is just so fitting, so I will say it again…
Believe in yourself and the rest will follow 🙂
Thanks for reading!